Spoiler alert: "The Bachelorette: Ashley and J.P.'s Wedding" ends with Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum getting married. They tied the knot on Dec. 1, 15 days before the special aired on Sunday (Dec. 16). Knowing that, how will ABC fill two hours of programming leading up to an event we know is going to happen? The following account is from a former "Bachelor" franchise viewer who fell off that wagon years ago. Refresh the post for updates as the two-hour show drags on.
If we're being generous, "The Bachelor" franchise is 3-for-24 in its stated goal of creating marriages -- that's a .125 average. Trista Rehn married Ryan Sutter after the first "Bachelorette" season. Jason Mesnick married Molly Malaney after the 13th "Bachelor," but only after dumping Melissa Rycroft. And now Ashley and J.P.
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So of course, host Chris Harrison pads the stats by noting other relationships between former contestants. You guys, the fishbowl totally works!
The wedding is on the lawn of the Langham Hotel in Pasadena, site of many a TCA press tour party. Somehow that feels appropriate.
Potential new slogan for Princeton, N.J.: Come make your babies here!
If you didn't watch Season 7 of "The Bachelorette," here: Let this show spend a good 10 minutes recapping things for you. Thanks?
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Wedding planning: Chuppah or no chuppah? Come on, like that's even a question. Of course there's a chuppah. Also, the dog is going to be involved. But do they know what the first dance is? DJ or band? Favors? Cake? It just got real in Princeton, y'all. Or wherever Mindy the wedding planner is based.
J.P. didn't believe in fate, until "The Bachelorette." Which, considering the .125 batting average the show has, is maybe an argument in favor of fate, you know?
Why does Chris keep calling it "The Bachelor: Ashley and J.P.'s Wedding"? The title card 10 seconds earlier said "The Bachelorette."
Actual quote: "I've never seen wedding clothes for dogs like this before." (Personal aside: What ABC or whoever spent on Boo's clothes would pretty much have paid for the entire catering budget at my wedding.)
Point to Ashley for noting that it's actually about every day after the wedding.
Chris blathers on about the thing brides dream about "more than anything else -- the wedding dress." Or, you know, their marriages. But, OK, Ashley's dress is quite nice -- simple, with just enough detail on the sleeves. It's not some crazy, foofy thing.
Ashley totally knows which wedding band J.P. will choose. He does not disappoint.
It's "Trot out the other successful 'Bachelor' couples" time, part one. Molly Mesnick is pregnant, but they're not telling whether it's a boy or girl.
Bachelor/bachelorette party montage! They're in Scottsdale, and Ashley is getting J.P.'s face on one of her nails at her manicure. Yipe. J.P., meanwhile, is on a racetrack going 100 mph-plus. Round one to the groom.
Ashley and the girls are pole-dancing. Wait -- isn't that supposed to happen at the bachelor party?
Schmoop alert: The couple steals away for some alone time and talking heads. So also, TV production necessity alert.
Meanwhile, the "Homeland" season finale is one-third over. Hooray for DVRs.
Ashley and J.P. ask Chris Harrison to officiate their wedding, in what is surely a totally spontaneous thing that was not at all engineered by the show's producers.
Disclaimer time: I have nothing against either Ashley or J.P. I didn't watch their "Bachelorette" season. They seem like nice people and seem to be in love with one another. I hope they have a long, happy life together. But seriously -- two hours of TV?
Whew -- Chris gives them his blessing after their heart-to-heart. One more hurdle cleared.
Practicing your post-"I do" kiss? Is that a thing? It feels like a very for-the-cameras bit.
ABC must really be hoping a lot of people are watching tonight, because it is promoting the snot out of the rest of its lineup.
Ladies and gentlemen, new "Bachelor" Sean Lowe. He was "blown away" by the quality of the women in his season -- premiering Jan. 7! -- and is totes happy with the journey. Because, really, what else would he say?
Wait -- they're doing these promo sit-downs right before the actual wedding starts? Great googly moogly.
"There's a tooth on there!" Eyes off the screen, it was unclear at first whether this was a good or bad thing. Then I realized it was part of the charm bracelet J.P. gave Ashley, and it wasn't a real tooth, so it's all good.
Smart production choice to let the wedding play out in a more "real" way, without the usual reality-TV trappings -- aside from Harrison whispering "you guys remember to enjoy this" before he starts the ceremony. It's like when a huge moment happens at a sporting event and the announcers just let the crowd noise speak for itself.
Kind of wondering if Joey Tribbiani wrote the stuff Chris Harrison is saying.
The vows, though, were obviously heartfelt. So good luck to you, Ashley and J.P. May you have a happy life away from the cameras. And may this unbearably cheesy song playing over the end of your wedding special not follow you around either.
Just me, or is it kind of uncool to make past Bachelorettes (Emily, Ali) who didn't end up with The One do talking heads about how happy Ashley and J.P. are?
What did you think of "Ashley and J.P.'s Wedding"?
Photo/Video credit: ABC
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